Technique #1
Stand in front of a mirror and make faces at yourself, the weirder the better; really contort your facial muscles, don't hold back. As you're making the faces, repeat the following mantra (in your head, not out loud): 'I am a malignant narcissist.' As you're doing the aforementioned things, make and unmake a fist with each hand, do it fairly slowly, but rhythmically. Finally, make a low humming sound, as continuously as possible, pausing only for a quick intake of breath every so often. Keep at this exercise for 10 to 15 minutes, 20 minutes tops. Repeat the exercise at least four times a day, seven days a week for as long as necessary (it can take a while; perseverance is key).
Technique #2
Quit your job. Sell all of your possessions (apart from the clothes you are wearing) and any property you may own. Withdraw your savings. Give all of the money you have harvested to the least deserving person you can think of. If you have any debts, leave them unsettled. Tell your friends and family that you intend to live as a wandering ascetic. Tell them not to worry, that this is a bona fide technique for inducing a spiritual awakening. Now go be an ascetic. The rest will take care of itself.
Technique #3
Do not speak for one year. To anyone (including yourself). For any reason whatsoever. You may communicate by email and text message if you have to, but keep it functional and to a minimum. Do not listen to music or watch any video content whatsoever. Dress only in white clothes. Shower infrequently. Grow facial hair (if you can: applies to both men and women). Eat only what you can forage. Although this technique seems similar to technique #2, it is in fact very different. For one thing, you don't need to forsake your worldly goods. For another, you should definitely not quit your job (note: being silent at work is your inalienable right, any HR department worth its salt knows this; keep this in mind in case your boss objects). Remember: silence is golden!
Technique #4
This technique is an anti-technique. Basically, it consists of doing things that are totally antithetical to inducing a spiritual awakening, precisely in order to induce a spiritual awakening (it's a paradox thing). For example: committing adultery, ingesting a copious quantity of narcotics, swindling people out of their hard earned, being obnoxious, constantly seeking attention, having zero empathy, behaving irresponsibly and recklessly, lying incessantly, being emotionally manipulative and so on (you know the trope, we all know the trope). The anti-technique is probably the most straightforward of all the techniques listed here, although it does have a fairly low success rate. Having said that, if you are persistent and you really go all out, it is absolutely possible to achieve full-blown enlightenment using this technique (I know a few people who swear by it as a matter of fact).
Technique #5
This one's a strange one, I'm not going to lie. It involves one thing and one thing only: namely, pronouncing the letter T as a glottal stop. So, for example, shitter becomes shi’er, and buttered bottom becomes bu’ered bo’om. Get the drift? The technical word for dabbling in this esoteric art is T-glottalization. Caveat: it's very hard to master, but it does pay dividends in the end; best suited to people who are already in the habit of dropping the pronunciation of the odd T here or or there, for example cockneys.
Technique #6
Buy a copy of Deleuze and Guattari's Anti-Oedipus. Read chapter 1 ('The Desiring-Machines') whilst sitting naked in a sauna. It is very important that you are naked. You want the sweat to flow freely. You will understand why this is important when you read the chapter, which will (I can assure you) blow your mind to smithereens. Once you have been duly discombobulated, leave the sauna and find a private room where you know you won't be disturbed. Play the following:
Once the track is finished, put a blindfold on. Now do some star jumps (five or six is fine). Now masturbate - yes, that's right, just do it. Once you've orgasmed, remove the blindfold. Now spin around on the spot for about fifteen seconds. In the ensuing dizzy state, read the following aphorism (courtesy of the master of the form: Friedrich Nietzsche):
Everything habitual draws an ever tighter net of spiderwebs around us; then we notice that the fibres have become traps, and that we ourselves are sitting in the middle, like a spider that got caught there and must feed on its own blood. That is why the free spirit hates all habits and rules, everything enduring and definitive; that is why, again and again, he painfully tears apart the net around him, even though he will suffer as a consequence from the countless large and small wounds - for he must tear those fibres away from himself, from his body, his soul.
And hey presto: spiritual enlightenment! Works a treat every time.
Technique #7
As you go about your daily business, constantly think to yourself: 'why am I doing what I am doing right now? who decided to do what I am doing? when was it decided exactly?' Make sure the questions are very specifically focused on the minutiae of what you are doing, adapt them as necessary (it's the tenor of the questioning that's important, not the specifics of each question). For example, as you are washing your face in the morning and lathering the soap (assuming you wash your face in the morning), think to yourself: 'when did I actually decide to lather the soap? why have I lathered for one minute rather than ten seconds?' Then if you go and make yourself a cup of tea, ask yourself: 'why tea, why not coffee? when did I decide on the one rather than the other?' If you didn't decide, who did? When you are sitting in a meeting later that day and you cross your legs, ask yourself: 'why did I just cross my legs? who decided to do that?' When you say something intelligent (or not) in that meeting, as the words are literally coming out of your mouth, ask yourself: 'how is this happening? when did I think the thought that is currently being expressed linguistically to my fellow meeting participants? aren't the thought and its linguistic expression happening simultaneously, in fact, come to think of it, aren't they also happening spontaneously? who is thinking and speaking, I mean who is really doing the work here?'
When you get home, ask yourself: 'how much of the drive home do I remember?' If barely anything - and it will be barely anything - ask yourself: 'who was driving the car then'? Keep going with this interrogative technique and at some ineluctable point you will be forced to confront the truth: namely, that you are literally not in control of anything you are doing, that in fact there is no you doing anything, although things most certainly are being done! Note: this isn't an easy technique, not for the faint hearted. Can induce panic and cause one to question one's sanity.
