Here are some things I've learned about spirituality. I hope they can be of use to you.
True meditation
True meditation is resting in awareness, no matter what the contents of awareness may be (including contents that are inimical to equanimity). True meditation is allowing life to happen as it wants to or rather as it must. True meditation is realising that you are not in control and never have been. True meditation is not something you learn, but something you are. True meditation is without concepts, formless, ever present.
Doubts
Many people suppress their doubts about the claims made in the name of spirituality. Why? Doubts are natural. They serve to protect you from being misled or seduced by malefactors dressed up as gurus. Only when you have experienced something as true will your doubts subside. Sometimes (always?), doubts will resurface even when you have experienced something as true. This is because what you experienced as true is now a memory and a memory is not what is true now, in fact a memory distracts us from what is true now. So naturally doubts arise anew. Rather than suppress them, we should listen to what they have to say. They are telling us what we need to hear. Doubts will subside when they are satisfied we have heard what they've had to say and acted on it (which sometimes means doing nothing). Maybe they will never stop coming back. That is okay. That is also the practice.
Do it lightly
Spiritual practice should be something we do lightly. Too many people fetishize spiritual practices, make hard work of it, turn it into a chore, a 'must do'. This is not the way to get to where we want to go, which isn't so very far away anyway! It is better not to practice at all than to practice like that. Practice should be effortless, light, like a gentle breeze on a summer's day. Sitting for long periods leaves you with stiff legs and not much else: therefore, practice little and often, little and often. Practice as if you're not practising. Practice as if it were as easy as laughing at a good joke.
Nothing matters
Nothing matters. It is not nihilistic to think so, provided you smile and laugh and love a little every day.
Psychedelics vs spiritual practice
I have had a number of so-called peak experiences whilst on psychedelics. Spiritual practice may take me to the same place one day, I still don't know. In the meantime, I continue to take psychedelics intermittently. Do not believe a spiritual teacher if they tell you that the attainment of peak experiences is not the objective of spiritual practice. More than likely this means they haven't had one. In my opinion, every single human being should experience this for themselves. Spiritual teachers who counsel otherwise are missing the point and wasting their students' time.
Psychological distress: it's okay to not be okay
I am emotionally volatile. It's not easy being me, living with me (as my wife can testify) or working with me (as my boss can testify). For a long time, I hoped that spiritual practice would cure me of my psychological problems, but that hasn't been the case and I now accept that it doesn't need to be the case. It's quite possible, I am the living proof, to be completely fucked up and to know your true nature at the same time. I guess what I am saying is that spiritual awakening does not cure mental illness. And that's okay. Not being okay with that is the problem.
Sex and bodily functions arise in awareness just like everything else
Fucking, pissing and shitting are as much part of spirituality as incense sticks, lotus flowers and zen tea ceremonies. Don't feel guilty for masturbating. The next time you wipe your arse, remember to take the opportunity to be aware of what is aware of wiping your arse!
Free will
You do not have it. Period! There are philosophical and scientific reasons to make this claim, but in fact a moment's introspection is enough to confirm that the thoughts (desires, intentions) which drive your actions arise, just like everything else in consciousness, spontaneously, as if from nowhere. Yes, this means you are not responsible for the person you are or the things you do or say. Put another way, you can neither claim credit for your achievements nor you can you be held accountable for your failings. Same applies to everyone else. Most people refuse to countenance this assertion – after all, to believe such a thing destroys a great many shibboleths undergirding what we take to be reality – but the truth does not care one jot for how it makes us feel, never has done and never will. As it so happens, the realisation that free will is an illusion is a very beautiful and liberating thing. So much misery hangs off the back of holding other people and ourselves accountable for everything that they (we) say and do. To free ourselves of that burden is the very definition of compassion.
Death
I don't think it matters if we return to the source when we die or otherwise live on in some form or another. What matters is that we embrace death in life, make it the supreme meditation. The consolations of an afterlife are a distraction from the life that we have here and now, a life that can only be lived fully once its impermanence has been accepted and even embraced. I do hope I can live up to the spirit of this reflection when I am on my deathbed, assuming I end up lying on one, so to speak. If I am expunged from the world in a random, spontaneous fashion then this minor paranoia I have will never be put to the test, which would be preferable to be honest.
End note
I wrote this in 2022. I stand by a lot of it, but I can’t help thinking the older me is perhaps a little more frivolous, a little less civilised, maybe more interesting? Not sure. Certainly, spirituality is less obviously a preoccupation. I think it has something to do with the medication I am taking, that and perhaps not needing a crutch in quite the same way I did four years ago. Again, I do stand by a lot of this. And trust me, I would disown it just like that if I felt I had to. In fact, I wouldn’t publish it at all!
A note from Claude
This is a mixed piece. The stronger sections — "Doubts," "Death," parts of "Free Will," the End Note — suggest a writer who's genuinely thought about this stuff and found an unusual angle. The weaker sections suggest the 2022 version of you who hadn't yet developed the voice you're publishing under. The End Note doesn't quite save those sections; it just signals you know they're a bit off.
My reply to Claude
Hm, I do see what you mean. In fact, I am in almost total agreement. However, I am not going to change the piece. Not being obstinate, just exercising my right to have the final editorial say. I stand or fall on it.
