(A sea of transfixed faces. S makes his way up onto the dais and sits himself down opposite the guru. A woman enters stage right, genuflects in front of the guru, then proceeds to affix a mic to S's collar. When she's done, she shuffles away, exits stage left. The guru smiles at S, raises his hands in a prayerful gesture and S, looking decidedly uncomfortable, reciprocates with his own half-hearted gesture or not half-hearted as such, more half-formed.)
Guru: Yes, what is it you would like to ask me?
S: I have a few questions, if that's okay? (The guru nods that it's okay, but his eyes seem to suggest it isn't, or that's how it strikes S.)
S: Again and again you say we should not take your word for anything, that we should essentially remain sceptical about what awakening is or whether it even exists until we have first-hand experience of it ourselves.
Guru: That is correct. Is there a question?
S: Yes, sorry, yes, just getting to that. So, my question is: is it not possible that someone might so desperately want to have the experience of awakening that they convince themselves they have had it when in fact they have had no such thing? In other words, how does one distinguish between a fake awakening experience and a real one?
Guru: Awakening is not something that you can deceive yourself about. Either you have had the bona fide experience or you haven't. Awakening is precisely the opposite of delusion.
S: Hmm. Okay, so you think everyone who claims to have had an awakening has had an awakening, is that right?
Guru (a flash of consternation in his eyes, dissolving to obliqueness): No, clearly there are people who claim to have had an awakening when they haven't, not because they think they have - they know they haven't - but because they want other people to think they have for whatever nefarious purpose.
S: Okay, so how do you know if someone is lying about their having had an authentic awakening experience, and when I say you I don't mean you per se, I mean one?
Guru: These are strange questions you are asking me. I think possibly we should take this offline. (The guru motions to one of the helpers in the shadows, a burly guy dressed in a too-tight tunic, who steps forward into the light. He shuffles over to S, whispers into his ear. The whisper is picked up by the mic on S's collar and the whole auditorium hears what he whispers, which is this: You need to come with me chump, now! S shakes his head to signify his absolute refusal to comply with the burly guy's peremptory demand. The burly guy makes as if to manhandle S, whereupon S pulls a revolver from his pocket. Preternaturally calmly, S points it at the guru. The sea of faces becomes choppy, agitated.)
S: Kindly tell your goon here to back the fuck away. I came here to ask you some questions and I am going to fucking ask them, capeesh?
(The guru waves the burly man away.)
Guru: Would you mind putting the gun down and then, by all means, continue with your questioning?
S: Okay, but no funny business. (S puts the gun on his lap.)
S: So, next question: how much wealth have you accrued from your activities as a guru? I mean these retreats are not cheap, even though the food, which is distinctly average, and the accommodation, which is hostel-standard at best, patently are. It's pretty obvious that you're making a huge mark-up and that's not to mention all of the books and video courses you flog on your website, which from what I can gather all say the same thing repetitively.
Guru (coughs, glances nervously at the sea of faces, faces that have shocked expressions displayed on them): Well, I, er, well, okay, so, yes, I do make money out of my teaching. But a teacher has to eat, right? (Turning to the audience): Am I right?
S: No one is disputing you have to eat, which means, incidentally, like the rest of us you have to shit and almost certainly your shit smells as bad as anyone else's. But I digress, the point here is not whether you need to eat, the point is how much money it is appropriate for someone to make on the back of preaching a message that is arguably the very antithesis of worldly capitalist endeavour. I can't be alone, surely, in thinking that something is off here. (S turns to the sea of faces for moral support). I mean seriously, haven't any of you thought about this? If this guy was legit, he would be transparent about the finances of his organisation. He would publish accounts on his website. He would justify his margins. He would disclose his remuneration and the existence and extent of any insider transactions. He would explain how x% of the profits were being ploughed into worthy causes and so on. What he wouldn't do is make it a taboo to raise the question of how much money he makes by virtue of his total silence on the subject. What he wouldn't do is brainwash people into believing that retreats are a necessary part of awakening, people who perhaps can ill afford to go on retreat, who maybe need that money to protect themselves against the cruel vicissitudes of an economically precarious existence.
Guru: I have never shied away from talking about the financial side of what I do. It just so happens that people never ask me about it. But that doesn't mean it's a taboo subject, it's just not relevant I guess. People ask me about spiritual stuff, that's the whole point of being a guru. But if I had been asked, I would gladly have answered any question related to the finances of my organisation. I have nothing to hide, I can assure you.
S: That sounds doubtful and disingenuous to me. But let's put you to the test, shall we? I say again: how rich are you? Ball park.
(The guru stares blankly, says nothing. This goes on for a while. S picks the gun back up, points it at the guru.)
Guru (holding the heels of his palm up): Okay, okay. I'd need to check in with my accountant, so don't hold me to this, but I believe I'm worth about a million US dollars, give or take.
S: The fuck you are.
(S releases the safety on his gun.)
Guru (wide-eyed with fear, holds his hands up above his head as if to say, please don't shoot me, I am not ready to die, I have so many more things I want to do with my life, so many unsated desires to sate etc): Okay, fine it's more like five million. Happy? I'm rich, yes. I fucking worked hard for it. I deserve every penny. It's not easy sitting up here saying the same things endlessly and being bored to tears with meditating or pretending to meditate.
S (turning to the sea of faces): Told you! Guy's a shyster, am I right? (The sea of faces betrays not even a scintilla of emotion, S waves his hand as if to say, fuck you then. He puts the gun back down on his lap, turns to face the guru.) Question: please could you explain why people are continually bowing to you whenever they're in your vicinity? Be honest, do you see yourself as some sort of deity?
Guru (eyeing the gun nervously): People are not bowing to me as such. It's a totemic thing. By bowing they are showing their commitment to becoming realised, they are surrendering themselves to the practice, to the path, to the way of devotion.
S: To me it seems like they are bowing to you, however symbolically. I don't see you bowing to anyone. Seems anomalous to me.
(The guru shrugs as if to say: is what it is.)
S: Okay, so another one: why the rules? I mean do you really need to prescribe in such minute and pedantic detail what we can and can't do on retreat? How, for instance, does not wearing make-up make it any more likely that I will awaken?
Guru: Do you wear make-up?
S: I do as it happens. I believe fervently that men have as much right as women to wear make-up.
Guru: Is that so? Interesting. Well, I'll be honest, I have administrators who devise the rules. In truth, I don't know why we have them. I can certainly look into that for you. But I imagine the rules serve a useful purpose, otherwise why would we have them?
S: Well, in my opinion the rules are utterly absurd, if not downright pernicious.
Guru: I'll be sure to pass that feedback on to the administrators.
S: Do you admit to yourself the possibility that you could be deluded about what you think you know about the nature of reality? After all, the mind plays tricks, does it not? How can you be sure that nonduality is what it seems to be in other words?
Guru: I don't have doubts, no. I am awakened. Simple as.
S: What, pray tell, does it feel like to be awakened? And no bullshit about ineffability.
Guru: Okay, fine. It's the sense that I am the frame within which everything is happening, everything meaning the contents of consciousness: sights, sounds, smells, emotions, thoughts etc. That's it. It's very simple really.
S: And how is it any different to the way an unawakened person experiences consciousness?
Guru: Well, to be completely honest, it isn't that different. The difference is all in the framing.
S: Sorry, what?
Guru: Basically, I am not identified with the person you see before you, a person looking out as a separate being onto a world full of other separate beings. In other words, I am not a guru. I am the awareness within which a guru exists. Make sense?
S: None whatsoever.
Guru: Well, it won't do because you clearly haven't had an awakening!
S: I guess that's fair, although I have had a lot of profound experiences on psychedelics if that counts for anything (the guru shakes his head that it doesn't). Right, well, I had other questions, but I can’t seem to recall them. Never mind. (S puts the gun down on the floor.) Sorry about the gun. It's not loaded by the way.
(The burly guy comes bounding over and immediately puts S in a sleeper hold. S goes limp. The guru sounds the bell for the next round of meditation, which begins forthwith. The burly guy surreptitiously removes S from the meditation hall and drives him to a remote jungle location. The interrogation begins immediately and does not stop for many days.)
