Audit partner: the thing is, we’ve noticed certain anomalies in the numbers.
CFO (frowning): what numbers? what anomalies?
Audit partner (slightly panicked): er, so (cough) it’s your revenue, seems abnormally high versus prior year. And your costs are a lot lower as well.
CFO (puts his elbows on the table, leans forward): so let me get this straight, you think it’s an issue that our revenue is up and our costs are down?
Audit partner (pauses, looks to his number two for moral support, who steadfastly refuses to make eye contact): Well, not an issue per se (laughs nervously).
Audit junior: If I may interject, no one is suggesting that an increase in profit is a bad thing.
(The attention of the room pivots violently to the audit junior. For a moment, the intensity of his spotlight moment overwhelms him, but then the audit junior recovers his poise by reminding himself of the indubitable truth: that nothing matters, not really.)
Audit junior: I mean increasing your profit is literally the touchstone of capitalistic success. However, our analytical procedures, which, naturally, are AI-enabled, suggest that your reported profit may not actually be stated fairly. To put it bluntly, we strongly suspect your revenue should be lower and your costs higher.
(The senior audit manager scowls at the junior audit manager, who fidgets with his watch strap nervously. The partner has turned rice-pudding white.)
CFO: Sorry, and you are?
Audit junior: Noah, Noah Blue. I’m the so-called audit junior.
CFO (looking at the audit partner, who more and more resembles a rice pudding): In my day, being the audit junior meant keeping shtum in audit close meetings with client CFOs.
Audit junior: well, to be fair, things have moved on quite a bit since whatever antediluvian day you’re referring to. These days, junior auditors are encouraged to speak their truth, even and perhaps especially in audit close meetings. It’s good for our mental health to feel included, empowered etc and ultimately leads to better audit outcomes. A win-win if ever there was one!
(The CFO is overcome with anger, looks like he has just snorted a chilli. In fact he is so angry he can’t even speak. He tries a few times, but the words just won’t come. His financial controller shifts uncomfortably in her chair, hoping against hope that she isn’t about to have to actually say something in this meeting.)
Senior auditor manager: I think we need to not get bogged down in the details. To be clear, this is just a paperwork exercise, nothing to see here type of a thing.
(The senior audit manager smiles her best simpering smile, has never looked more seductive, at least that’s what the junior audit manager is thinking.)
Audit partner: what she said!
(The audit partner laughs, sees no one else is laughing, abruptly stops laughing.)
Audit junior (looking at the senior manager): I’m sorry, but this isn’t something you can just brush under the carpet. We’re talking here about aggressive earnings management, if not out and out fraud.
Audit senior (still smiling mouth-wise, but eyes are saying: pipe the fuck down pipsqueak): I think that is a touch on the melodramatic side, don’t you?
Audit junior: not really, no. I mean, if you asked my friends, they’d all tell you the same thing: that I am literally the least melodramatic person you’re likely to ever meet.
Senior audit manager (smile now a rictus): let’s take this offline, shall we?
Audit junior: no way José are we taking this offline. I want answers (turning to the CFO) and I am not leaving this audit close meeting without getting some, capeesh?
Junior audit manager: okay buddy, you need to calm down, okay?
(Tumbleweeds.)
Junior audit manager: I said okay?
(The senior audit manager looks at the junior audit manager as if for the very first time.)
CUT
